Early this morning I had a strange dream that ended with me unsuccessfully fighting back tears until I woke up crying hard. I can’t remember that ever happening before. My pillow was wet with tears. Zero stirred beside me and asked what was wrong. I felt super disoriented as I explained, still in the midst of crying, “I’m okay, I was crying in my dream. I just woke up.” Slowly I started to calm down. I often have vivid dreams where I have a lot of physical and emotional sensations that linger after I wake up, but this was one of the most intense.
Two years ago, as part of my death doula/end of life studies, I was tasked with giving away something important to me, as I might will something in death, and I chose the vinyl of my EP Spectral Sigh. Recently, I had a dream that I stole it back, and I woke up knowing it’s something I need near, to see, to listen to, to remind myself of something very important. I didn’t steal it, but I did take it back home, and holding it in my hands again, this object I created (with help from a sweet friend who cuts records), a little world of music and lyrics and images sprung from the well, made me tear up.
My dreams, awake or asleep, are so much nonsense, painful, cryptic and elusive, and they’re also a sacred connection to the visceral experience of consciousness in a universe that overwhelms with love and beauty. I’ve been so heartbroken my whole life, really, having to live in the illusion of disconnection. I remember lying alone in bed as a child and imagining the vastness of space and feeling my tiny little insignificance at the same time that I felt a strange oneness, though I couldn’t name it then. It filled me with awe and comfort, a mixture of terror and joy. Dreams - the stories that play as I slumber, and the ones that move through me in creation or appear before me as sweethearts and sweet scenes in waking life - are what power me to truly live, yet so much of the power in this world acts to rob us of our dreams. I think this is at the root of my woe lately, and something I constantly struggle to navigate – having to live in the dreamless void of commodification and endless production while remembering my dreams, holding them close, letting them rest in my heart, curious cosmic calls.
Would love to see your Vegas shows! Better than Cher.
I love your music so much